Raw.

Posted on August 29 2017

Raw.

Today, I sit here before you to tell you about some personal things in my life. Something I’m not too keen on doing, because it makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. Some of you reading this will completely understand this feeling, and others of you won’t, and both are completely fine, but today, I’m going to get raw—one of my least favorite things in the world to do. But my hopes in doing so, is for others who feel this exact same way, to know that they’re not alone.

I was twelve when my parents separated. I was thirteen when their divorce was final. I watched both of them go through their fair share of struggles, trying to figure out who the other one was when the other one wasn’t in the equation. Those years shaped my life. I went through something in my class at school that not one other kid had gone through, not one. I lived in a small town and divorce was unheard of, unlike now. Divorce is so prevalent, we’re really never surprised to hear that “so and so didn’t make it” because he or she were unfaithful, or because he didn’t love her anymore or vice versa.

I watched people hurt my parents and watched my parents hurt people and it was something I couldn’t get behind. I didn’t want that, and the thought of anything close to it, scared the living crap out of me. I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want to feel that gut wrenching pain, the kind that hurts down to your fingertips. But, fast forward to my adult years. When I was 20 years old, I found someone who I fell in love with and someone that loved me and practically idolized the ground I walked on, at first. He was older than me, so of course, it didn’t enthrall my folks in the slightest. Nonetheless, I was going to marry this man. It didn’t matter that he constantly put me down, emotionally abused me day after day, isolated me from friends and family, I was still with him and I needed him and I loved him...right?

Wrong. When I finally was strong enough to get out from underneath his thumb, it was four and a half years later. I was finally seeing how toxic our relationship was, and more than anything, I wanted out. I was just beginning to find out who I was and I wanted no part of us. But ever since then, ever since those two series of events in my life, it’s difficult for me to date. There have been some over the years that I’ve pushed and pulled in and out of my life, ones that I wish I could go back and apologize for not being able to give my all to, apologize for hurting them...mainly because I couldn’t get a grip.

But, It wasn’t until this year, at 32 years old, that I’ve felt a gapping hole in my life more than ever before. Most my friends are married or having babies and I’m stuck in this stagnant phase of life: watching, hoping, praying, that there’s a gentleman out there for me. In my early 20’s I wanted babies. In my late 20’s and even up until a year ago, I went through a phase where I didn’t want any children...but now, I just want to meet someone to share my life with because I can see my window for children slowing closing.

I have the most amazing nephew, and he kinda looks like me, which makes me so happy and at the same time, I wish I had a little person just like him that I could hold and cuddle all the time. I see such wonderment in his eyes, I hear his imagination when we play out scenarios, I love him to absolute pieces and would lay down my life for him. He makes me want to be a better person. When I struggle with anything in my life, I remember him and I fight, I fight for him, so I can be a positive influence in his life.

So if it’s this easy to feel this way, to want this love so badly, why is it so tough to find that person? Why have the last two people I’ve had interest in, shoved me away? But on the same token, I’ve done that to many, myself. I just have to slowly pick up my pieces for the next one, each one a worse break than the last. But, what I keep coming back to is this: be true to yourself, follow your heart, and the day that you’re supposed to meet that man, you will!

It seems like such a bs answer because it’s completely cliche, but it’s the right answer. I’m not sitting around waiting anymore. My heart is open, I’m ready to meet that gent, and I have faith that when it’s right, it will be           R I G H T and hopefully by then, all of my dreams will come true and he will love me more than anyone else in the world and until then, I’ll keep blogging, exercising, zip lining, hiking, eating crazy amounts of lean turkey, and laughing, oh boy—will I be laughing.

So in the meantime, if you know of any single gents that love Jesus, let me know! I’m ready to dive in head first! But to the other ladies, like me, who sometimes can feel hopeless or wonder why you haven’t met that man, just relax, find a buddy to do fun things with and reinvent yourself to discover new things that you’ve never known about yourself. You never know, he could be a zip line away.

B.

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