Whitney Wednesday: Why I Chose To Stop Hating Myself

Posted on May 23 2018

Whitney Wednesday: Why I Chose To Stop Hating Myself

A lot of you have had a bunch of questions about Keto and what I have been doing for weight loss so I figured I'd share it with you all! I'll get into my day to day and do a blog share with my cousin, Brit, who is the one who told me about Keto next week, but first I wanted to talk about how I got here! 

I've actually written a few of these healthy diet blogs, but before I got the chance to post them, I'd be free falling into a junk food stupor. Isn't that how it normally works? You diet for a few weeks, feel great and then start sliding back into bad habits, miss eating the bad food, gain all the weight back that you lost and then some, feel guilty and ashamed, so then you avoid mirrors, avoid pictures, avoid friends, and especially avoid the scale, feel horrible about yourself and eat your emotions? No? Just me? Well, this was my cycle.  It has always been my cycle. My relationship with food has always been unhealthy. I didn't know how to break out of it. And starting a new diet always gave me huge anxiety because I knew where it was going to end up. Anxiety was a big part of my weight gain. I would stress eat (typically with candy or fast food) which would just propel my anxiety even further because sugar makes anxiety worse. A self damaging cycle. 

So this is where I started; overweight and a horrible self image. Isn't it interesting how a lot of your self worth as a woman is wrapped up in HOW YOU LOOK? I would have horrible inner dialogue, putting myself down for the way my body looked, and shaming myself for having no control. And the days I did actually weigh on the scale, the number would burn a hole in my heart. WHERE were the days where I would weigh and be happy with the number I saw? But let's be real, even when I was at my skinniest (I was anorexic in Jr. High) I was never happy with the number I saw. WHY? And why does that number mean so much??

I realized this about myself last year, and decided that THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. I AM A CHILD OF GOD and we are NOT CALLED to live in a spirit of fear, guilt and shame. This is NOT from God. I'm DONE with shaming myself, feeling guilty the moment I wake up for not eating healthy the day before, and for not being the mom and wife I always hoped I'd be. I changed my tune and said, "Ok, I'm going to focus on my HEALTH." 

Just going to take a moment to thank God for digging me out of this unhealthy state. He was right there, waiting for me to ask for help, which took me way too long. 

Over the last year, with the help of Kait, my friend Brit, and my cousin who coincidentally is named Brit, I started to educate myself on illness prevention, my anxiety, my gut health, pH balance, and hormonal balance. I learned that an alkalized body is the best for illness prevention (anxiety and depression). Through this, I started to listen to my body because I really wanted to know how to make my body run on all cylinders. I noticed that sugar was a bad idea for me, because once I started, I couldn't stop eating it. It's like my "you're full" trigger would go missing and I'd just binge. So first order of business, cut out sugar.  Once I had done that, I noticed that once I ate gluten (pasta, bread, rice, processed food) I would feel like there was a rock in my stomach (literally SO full) and then I would wake up super bloated the next morning. My fingers would look like sausages, plus it was REALLY easy for me to overeat because these were my favorite foods. Second order of business, cut out gluten. AND THEN, I realized that once I drank or ate dairy, I would have tummy trouble. This one was VERY hard for me, because I LOVE dairy, and I'd add heavy cream to my coffee every morning. It was one of my FAVORITE things to drink every morning. But if I wanted a healthy gut, I knew it had to go while I healed my body. Third order of business, cut out dairy.

At this point, I felt like I had to cut out all my favorite foods. It wasn't something I was prepared to do, so I was very spotty with it. This made me realize I do better with a routine, or a regiment to stick to. If it was too strict, I wouldn't stick with it. If it was too relaxed, what was the point of doing a diet? Also, I'm not into food bars/protein bars, shakes, smoothies, or processed diet food because processed food is typically not even healthy, so I needed something where you ate whole foods. I'm super picky.

This is where my cousin Brit came in. She told me about Keto. It was similar to a diet I had done with my mom, so it wasn't a shock, and it also cut out gluten and sugar which was something I knew I needed to bite the bullet and do for real. You eat real/whole food, and once your body starts using ketones for energy instead of sugar, your body starts running like it's supposed to. I've been doing this since the end of March, and have had literally no issue sticking to it, which is a shock. This isn't a plug for the Keto diet, I'm just letting you guys know where I'm at, and what I have found that has worked for me. I am VERY much a believer of listening to your body, and following what works for you. I think Keto is a good start for anyone because you can kind of customize it to fit your needs. Like for me, I do dairy free and I omit certain foods that my body doesn't like. I like the flexibility.  I was talking to Kait the other day how it's such a NEW feeling to wake up, and not be haunted about what I ate the day before, to eat healthy and feel satisfied instead of deprived and starving, and BONUS see the scale dropping numbers. I've never EVER been in the place before and it's such a huge relief. I'm not consumed with my weight, or how bad I look, or what I'm going to eat next. I finally feel like I'm living a healthy life, and it feels good. I'm not perfect, I still have a long way to go, and some days I don't eat as healthy as I know I should, so I'm not writing this out of a place of self righteousness, but rather to put words to an issue I know a lot of us women deal with. It's a way to connect with you guys and let you know you're not alone! 

Check out my blog next week to see part 2 of this healthy living journey and what my day to day looks like! My cousin Brit and I will be sharing our tips and tricks!

-Whitney

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